January 1-A new year, a new start

Turning 40 on December 28, was a big eye opener for me. 40. Some people just call it a number, but I look at it as a half way point, how many 80 year olds do you know? I do know a few, but I can count them on my own fingers...I do not need to borrow any from anyone else if you know what I mean.

So, one of my new year goals was to start recording my thoughts, not just for me, but for Nicholas and the future. So why not start with a blog. I am not a diary type, I do not take the time to record my thoughts, and to be honest, I would probably lose the papers if I did. I am trusting cyberspace to hold my thoughts...

But before I start to look forward, I have to start by looking back.

In the past 40 years, I have graduated high school (1988), from Mohawk College (1990) and Ryerson University (1992).

I have married a best friend (1994) and had two sons, Nicholas (1997) and Christopher (2001). I have had the happiness of witnessing the daily growth and wonder of raising Nicholas and I have had the sadness of losing my baby Christopher, the day that I should have been celebrating his birth. When people say the hardest thing a parent can do is bury their own child, I can attest that this is true.

I have battled and survived thyroid cancer, blood clots and a variety of other health issues, which have made me a stronger person, while at the same time, allowed me the opportunity to realize that there is only so much that a person can take...and it is ok to sit back and say, "I just cannot take anymore."

I recently had someone tell me that 40 was the new 30, to which I replied, "Nope, I deserve to be 40, I have earned those 40 years and I do not want to go backwards...I want to look forward to what the future has in store for me..."

I am the type of person who when faced with an expectation, I will give it my all to ensure that it is not only done, but done better than expected...and for the last 5 years, I can honestly say that my work-home balance had tilted so far to the side of work, that I was always looking to scramble back some time to be with my family. It was not unusual for me to stay at the office until the early morning, only to drive home catch a couple of hours of sleep to return and do it all over again. Even on those days when I would take time for me and my family, I would ensure that my cell phone was full charged and that I would be available to whoever needed me. I cannot remember a day when I was not on the cell, putting out a fire, or listening to someone who needed to talk...instead of being in the moment with my family. I cannot ever get this time back...but I can learn from it.

It sounds crazy, but I am a true believer in Fate. On a Monday night in November 2009, I received a call from Nicholas' teacher. It was 7:55 pm, as I was annoyed, since I was on my way out the door to play volleyball. But what I did not know is that this call was going to be the start of a change. His teacher told me that Nicholas was struggling, he was missing me. He had broken down at school and told her that he hated not knowing when I was going to be home, he hated coming home to an empty house, and that I was not there to help him with his homework...here was my 12 year old son, reaching out to a person that he trusted, asking her for help, to help him succeed in school and in a sense, to tell his mom that he needed her more than ever. I went off to volleyball, and then had a sleepless night, struggling with how I would be able to be more available for my son and still be able to maintain my role in an Association where I thought that I was appreciated and needed.

When I got called into a meeting the next morning, and I rounded the corner to be faced with two General Managers sitting in an office with a box of kleenex and a styrofoam cup of water, I knew what was coming next. I know that they had expected me to have a breakdown, as this was completely unexpected and the decision was not based on my performance or on my dedication to the company, and I think that they were surprised that I was ok. They offered to send me home in a taxi (what a waste of money) and they suggested that they would courier all of my belongings to my home later that week (again a waste, I have a friend who works for the same company and was willing to help me out by bringing things home for me). I listened to what they had to say and then took my purple folder of papers to read, handed over my cellphone and then headed out to my car for the ride home. Though in shock, I knew that this was a good thing...that someone was looking out for me, and that there would be a new opportunity for me...